The Problem with Men’s Mental Health
written by Becki, CBT Therapist @ F&B Digital Therapy
This week marks Men’s Health Awareness Week (10th-16th June), a week organised with the aim to raise awareness of health problems (including mental health) in men whilst encouraging them to seek the help needed. The theme this year is encouraging men to talk about their health concerns.
I won’t pretend that I have any first hand experience of what its like to be a man, but what I do have is the experience of seeing the important men in my life as well as male clients struggle mentally for a wide range of reasons. At F&B Digital Therapy, we thought it was important to use this week to share our thoughts about men’s mental health and encourage people to open up.
As a therapist, I notice common phrases and themes being shared that I believe stem from the stigma around men’s mental health. This isn’t to say that ALL men say or think these things, but they are an observation. They include:
‘I don’t have mental health’ – This is confusing ‘mental health’ with ‘poor mental health’. Everyone has mental health in the same way everyone has physical health, either good or poor, which you need to take care of. There is nothing shameful about being a human with a brain, whether it is healthy or not.
‘I just get on with it’ – ignoring your mental health and suppressing feelings may feel like the easiest thing to do at the time, but this will almost always come back to bite you. Bottled up emotions can lead to outbursts of anger or anxieties and never allowing yourself to cry is further detrimental; crying is a normal bodily function that helps remove toxins and stress hormones from our body, aiding emotional regulation. Research shows those who don’t cry are more likely to have less connectedness in their relationships and experience more negative feelings such as rage and anger.
‘The gym is my therapy’ – there’s no denying the gym or any kind of physical exercise does have an important part to play in looking after your mental health, the mind and body are so deeply connected after all. However, ONLY using the gym to overcome often complex mental health issues or using it as a replacement for therapy is just another way of pushing your struggles down.
You may think that avoidance of your mental health problems lead to an easier life, but the statistics around male mental health can’t be ignored:
- 4/5 suicides are by men.
- Suicide is the biggest cause of death in men under 35.
- The rate of suicide in women has halved since 1981, whereas for men this has only decreased by 20%.
(Sources: https://committees.parliament.uk/committee/81/health-and-social-care-committee/news/196589/mps-to-examine-mens-mental-and-physical-health-in-new-inquiry/, https://researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/CBP-7749/CBP-7749.pdf)
Why men don’t go to therapy
Still, there are reasons for the beliefs above, with stigma playing a big part. Men can be taught from a young age that they need to be ‘manly’ and ‘strong’. Messages such as ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘showing emotion is weak’ come at young men from all angles – society, the media, parents, teachers, peers that make fun of them if they aren’t ‘lad’ enough.
At F&B Digital Therapy, we deliver Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). CBT helps people explore and understand where their mental health issues have developed from. It looks at our early life experiences and what they have taught us about ourselves, others or the world around us. These beliefs can carry over into our adult lives as ingrained ‘core beliefs’ which can be rigid and reinforced by our experiences in adulthood. These core beliefs impact our daily thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and sometimes in ways that we’re not conscious to.
The below demonstrates just some ways core beliefs can develop.
Core beliefs can govern the way we live our lives, sometimes leading to men shunning their emotions, experiencing guilt and shame when they don’t live up to their ideals and believing they have to act in a way that proves their masculinity. This can be a catalyst for problems such as low self-esteem, anxiety disorders, body image issues/eating disorders and depression. A recent survey showed that 54% of men showed signs of body dysmorphia with women at 49%. Contrary to myth, body image issues aren’t a predominantly female problem.
Men who have discussed their mental health struggles
It’s no wonder when men keep all of the above bottled up that they can feel like they have no way out. They may feel they’re the only one going through it and this can be reinforced when men don’t speak out about their problems to each other. Some brilliant charities have been developed in recent years to encourage men to speak more about their mental health, such as Andy’s Man Club and Mentell.
Some famous men have also been speaking about their struggles.
Bo Burnham – comedian and musician who used his 2021 Netflix special ‘Inside’ to give us an insight into his personal mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. The special uses music and humour to explore mental health, isolation and living in the digital age. In this, Bo explains how he began experiencing panic attacks on stage in 2016 when performing his comedy which forced him to take a break. When he worked on his mental health and got better, finally deciding to get back to performing, the pandemic hit.
“So, five years ago, I quit performing live comedy because I was beginning to have severe panic attacks while on stage. Which is not a great place to have them. So I, I quit, and I didn’t perform for five years And I spent that time trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what? I did! I got better. I got so much better, in face, that in January of 2020 I thought ‘You know what? I should start performing again. I’ve been hiding from the world and I need to re-enter.’ And then, the funniest thing happened.” (Bo Burnham Inside).
Billie Joe Armstrong – lead singer of the band Green Day, Billie Joe Armstrong, has been open about his mental health for years. Songs about his father’s passing (Wake me up when September ends) and his relationship with alcohol (Dilemma), among a lot more with lyrics exploring themes around mental health. The 1994 single ‘Basket Case’ was written about dealing with anxiety and panic attacks.
“Basket Case is about anxiety attacks and feeling like you’re about to go crazy. At times, I probably was. I’ve suffered from panic disorders my entire life. I thought I was just losing my mind. The only way I could know about what the hell was going on was to write a song about it. It was only years later that I figured out I had a panic disorder” (Billie Joe Armstrong – VH1 interview 2002)
‘At that time when that song came out yano, I mean, kids sing along to that song whether it’s nowadays or then, you’ve got to think nobody was talking about mental health back then. And so that song was something relatable for a kid, a lot of them feeling the same way.’ (Green Day Bass Player Mike Dirnt speaks about ‘Basket Case’)
Isaac Holman – Isaac Holman from the band ‘Soft Play’ (formally known as Slaves) has been open about his mental health over the years, including being diagnosed with OCD, moving back in with his parents after a mental health breakdown and feeling suicidal. He began writing new songs sitting in his childhood bedroom, after reinventing himself as ‘Baby Dave’. Isaac regularly opens up about his mental health via Instagram posts which are shown below.
“My life was crazy for a long time. Apart from the touring and stuff I had no real structure. I wasn’t looking after myself, there was a bit of substance abuse going on. I just wasn’t looking after myself.”
“Bottling things up and doing stupid shit, just not feeling good about myself. I have OCD tendencies too. My whole life I’ve done weird things but never really acknowledged it.” “When all this stuff (lockdown) happened, it was the perfect storm and my OCD got really bad. I had this meltdown and it was completely debilitating. I definitely think my life in Slaves had a big role to play in me and my head.” (Isaac Holton Live4ever interview)
Donald Glover (Childish Gambino) – Actor Donald Glover has been in TV shows such as ‘Community’ and movies such as The Lion King (2019). He also releases music under the name Childish Gambino. In 2013, he shared some thoughts that he had been struggling with, “I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I’m afraid people hate who I really am. I’m afraid I hate who I really am.” He added, “I’ve been sick this year. This is the first time I’ve felt helpless.” He later shared how he was venting after having a difficult moment after performing a show and was just being open about it. He further opened up in subsequent interviews, explaining how he had been depressed and suicidal after a break up. He has also discussed how his background has linked to his mental health and reframes this as positive – showing he is human.
“I was just super depressed. I mean, I tried to kill myself. I was really f***ed up after that because I had this girl that I thought I was going to marry and we broke up. I didn’t feel like I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t living up to my standard; I was living up to other people’s standards, and I just said ‘I don’t see the point.’” (Childish Gambino Vice interview, 2013)
“I felt free of shame around my own battles with mental illness that I don’t believe I inherited, but rather, I was socialised into because of dealing with anti-black racism for my entire life. I do not believe you see as many black people die and be brutalised as I have and not develop anxiety,” he said. “I don’t think you can live with the level of poverty, housing, and food insecurity that I have and not develop clinical depression. I think my development of these conditions are proof that I am alive and not just some numb vehicle for domination that I was socialised to be.” (Childish Gambino Vice Interview, 2018)
Olly Alexander: Olly Alexander rose to fame being the lead singer of the band ‘Years & Years’, but has also reached acclaim as an actor in Channel 4’s ‘its a sin’ and is an LGBT activist. In a BBC documentary ‘Gay Britannia’ he spoke about how he was bullied at school because of his sexuality, leading to an eating disorder and self-harm. He has since accessed CBT through the NHS which has taught him strategies to cope with his anxiety.
“It was so hard at that time. I felt like I was going mad. I wasn’t talking to anybody about what I was feeling. I was writing it all down. Everything felt hopeless. Bulimia and self-harm were a way of coping with that. I was in a really dark place. It’s still really difficult for me to talk about”.
“CBT is really helpful if you have a panic disorder or anxiety, which I was definitely experiencing at one stage. CBT does really help you try and relearn ways in which you can deal with those moments of panic or crisis. I think it’s like any other part of your body, your mental health, it gets sick and it needs treatment. (Olly Alexander, The Guardian 2016)
This is just the start of it, there are a lot more men who have opened up about their own personal struggles. There are plenty of others who are starting to do the same, which is hopefully the start of a positive shift in our culture. It is important to understand that struggling with mental health is not a reflection of a person’s character, strength or worth. If anything, strength is shown through vulnerability, and this is the message we need to start to give to boys growing up.
What you can do
If I could give any advice to men as a CBT therapist, I would say the below:
- Feel your feelings, don’t push them aside. Humans are not very good at not thinking about things, so chances are if you are trying to ignore your feelings, you’re actually thinking about them more. But when experiencing this alone, this can greaten the negative impact. Start by writing some thoughts down, listening to music which helps explain how you feel or talking to somebody you can trust (even if it is just a text or a brief conversation to start off with).
- Go to therapy. Therapy is not just for women, and going to therapy is not a sign of weakness. Therapy can be very difficult and you may face and feel some things you don’t want to. Through my time as a therapist, I am inspired by many of the men I work with who I witness growing and overcoming difficulties in so many different ways, breaking down their own barriers and becoming much more self-aware.
- Be accountable. As much as the stigma around men’s mental health may have affected you over the years, it is important to understand your role in reinforcing this. Examples of some questions to reflect on: Do you ask your friends how they’re feeling? Do you pressure them to drink if they don’t want to? Are you modelling healthy expressions of emotion to your kids? Do you show care and compassion for your partner or those you love? Are you using phrases such as ‘man up’ or ‘grow some balls’?
- Find your own way to express your emotions – creativity, art, music, sports, dance or anything you can think of. Without realising, the famous men I’ve chosen to discuss above are all music artists! I think it is a testament to the power of creativity when it comes to dealing with mental health. Use what you enjoy and what is meaningful to you, you don’t have to be good at it for it to be therapeutic.
- Remember, you may be a man, but you are also human.
If you find you are ready to start opening up and want to explore further, F&B Digital Therapy would be happy to begin supporting you. As mentioned above, we offer CBT which can be delivered over text or telephone call. Find out more about what services we offer here.
